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The Dysfunctional Family - Stop The Cycle Of Abuse
- Leah Frieday
- Apr 21
- 3 min read
Many people who grow up in dysfunctional family households carry a lot of struggles from those experiences into adulthood, but one of the biggest worries on their shoulders is concerning and universal: what if you carry that same cycle of abuse and dysfunction further into your own family?
Generational dysfunction is described by Psychology Today as a series of traits that can be passed down from family member to offspring: “Grandma’s china isn’t the only thing that families pass down from generation to generation. Along with heirlooms and tchotchkes, families create and pass down emotional legacies.”
The Three Reactions to Dysfunctional Family Cycles
Psychology Today continues the conversation about passing along the cycle of abuse by explaining that adult children from these kinds of families have three options:
Continue the cycle.
They can continue the same behavior patterns they learned from their parents (who learned it from their grandparents, and so on). The same behaviors that caused dysfunction in their own families can continue with a new generation of children.
Reject the cycle.
They can choose to create a purposeful and abrupt end to the abuse cycle. Instead of repeating learned harmful behaviors from their own childhoods, they choose to act in ways that defy the patterns they experienced. However, outright rejecting the existence of the cycle can encourage new, just as harmful patterns of behavior to emerge.
Integrate the pattern and add something new to it.
There is a third method for reacting to a dysfunctional family cycle – integration. This involves acknowledging the existing abuse cycle and the anger they felt, but rather than allowing the anger to go unchecked, they learn to accept their emotions and work toward building healthier ways to manage them. This is the slower, more tedious pathway, but by far the most rewarding a productive one.
What can you do to make integration feel easier?
If option three above sounds like the best method for you to stop the cycle of abuse in your family tree, consider using these strategies to get started.
Spend time engaging in honest reflection about your experiences.
Take time to really think about what you experienced in your dysfunctional childhood home. Be honest and label your emotions. Do not try to “dress up” the facts – be honest with yourself about what happened. This will help you be more accepting of the truth.
Find ways to express and process your emotions.
Hiding or ignoring emotions is an unhealthy pathway that will eventually lead to an emotional overload, such as a meltdown. Instead, find ways to express and process your emotions in a healthy way, such as talking them through with a trusted friend or therapist. Learning how to engage with your emotions in a healthy and open way is a huge step toward breaking the cycle of abuse.
Let yourself mourn what you lost.
Psychology Today emphasizes the importance of mourning the parts of your childhood that were ruined or denied to you because of your dysfunctional family experience. It’s perfectly okay (and understandable!) to be angry or frustrated that you didn’t get to have some of the normal childhood experiences, such as having friends over for sleepovers, a parent you could confide in with your fears, or the feeling of a safe household. Give yourself space to be sad about this and to mourn the loss of it.
Find the gems of knowledge from past experiences.
Much like diamonds in the rough, there are tiny gems of knowledge you can glean from every negative childhood experience. As you reflect, find these gems and tuck them away in your information bank. Use them to guide yourself in a better, more assured direction in the future that is conducive to breaking your family’s dysfunctional cycle.
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