Self-Parenting 101

For people with good parents, they learned about boundaries, emotional intelligence, what healthy relationships look like, and resilience. The worst parenting will end up in the news, but that doesn't mean there isn't a spectrum.

A lot of people grew up in dysfunctional homes and that can result in a lot of issues for adults. There is a learning curve where they are forced to self-parent to correct some of the negative behaviors they have picked up. There are gaps and you need to figure out how to fill them properly.

A dysfunctional family could include a range of issues, it may be abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), neglect (emotional or physical), domestic violence, alcoholism, addiction, untreated or poorly treated mental illness, separating or divorcing parents, the death of a family member, or the incarceration of a family member.

For people who did not receive unconditional love, offering that can be difficult. Expressing your emotions can be complex. You may struggle with a fear of rejection or have a higher tolerance for abusive behavior.

It can manifest in passive aggression or withdrawal from confrontation. There is a wide range of coping mechanisms. They are all due to buried emotions and unless you address them, they will continue to impact your life.

Self-Parenting begins with boundaries. You have to sit down and decide for yourself what is and isn't okay. Draw your lines in the sand and be prepared to defend them when people try to push past them. People will try because they are used to getting their way with you.

Self-care is also an important part of self-parenting. That is hard to do when nobody took care of you as a child. It isn't a great recipe for building healthy habits. But, you have to look after yourself, from eating well and taking breaks.

What you put in your body is important, how you treat your body is important, and how much you rest is important. You can practice mindfulness to help with the stress side of things, which can help you cope with residual anger, but it can also buy you time to separate yourself from complicated emotions you need to work through.

Make a relaxation plan that you can work through each day, whether it's a five-minute meditation to start your morning or a 20-minute quiet time before bed.

One of the most important steps in self-parenting is learning to let yourself experience your emotions. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable with people, which is so hard to do when your childhood was full of crushing moments where you were punished for being vulnerable. Your childhood may have taught you to be self-reliant, but your adulthood has to be about recognizing that the human experience is one that can't be navigated alone.

Self-awareness is an important part of the self-parenting journey. If you have a habit of throwing adult tantrums, you have to start paying attention to the behaviors that get you to that point. Start paying attention to the emotions and thoughts you experience in the lead-up to the tantrum and consider how you can manage those until you find a way to resolve or address them.

Self-soothing is an excellent tool to use in these situations. Self-soothing encompasses a wide range of activities, including relaxation exercises, thought awareness, deep breathing, and positive visualization. These exercises can help you ease the anxiety taking over your mind.

The final self-parenting tip might feel like the hardest one. It's about reframing how you see the world. As a child, it probably seemed terrifying. That is common for a lot of children, even those who didn't have a dysfunctional upbringing. But the difference is, kids in dysfunctional families didn't have a comforting place to escape those fears.

So, it is much harder to see the world as inherently safe when it has felt the distinct opposite for the majority of your life. But reframing it now can help you build self-trust that will contribute to feeling more in control of a structured life. One of the most important adult skills you can build is believing in your ability to problem-solve, overcome, and be a capable adult who deserves happiness and is worthy of success.