Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families – Stop Blaming Yourself

What is a dysfunctional family?

Every dysfunctional family system is different, so you might want to take the opportunity to define it in your own terms. A lot of the issues experienced within these family systems are difficult to define because they feel normal to the people living in them, even though they are anything but.

In dysfunctional families, shame is all-encompassing. It leaves you feeling as though there's something inferior about you, you feel unworthy. Even if you can't necessarily put your finger on it, you feel as though something is wrong with you.

Shame & Guilt

Shame is an obvious side effect of a family that keeps secrets. It's an inevitable side effect of a family in denial. When a child is told repeatedly they are bad or not good enough, they will internalize it. They feel as though they deserve to be neglected, hurt, bullied, or put down. And, as a result, a lot of children in these situations will blame themselves for the emotional abuse they experience.

Children don't have critical thinking skills so, thinking it's my fault is one of the ways their brains try to make sense of an incredibly scary and confusing situation. For an adult who is trying to heal the pain of a dysfunctional upbringing, addressing the feelings of shame and recognizing that it was your parents' fault and not you, is a big part of the process. Their behavior isn't your fault. Their behavior isn't because you didn't deserve to be loved. It isn't because you were inadequate. It was because they were inadequate.

Raised in Dysfunction

The immediate result of a dysfunctional family is social isolation, behavior disorders, loneliness, low self-esteem, being withdrawn, disconnected from emotions, intense self-criticism, mental health issues, and difficulty expressing feelings and thoughts.

It can have a lasting impact if you don't address it. Being raised in dysfunction can leave adult survivors with trust issues, trouble with emotional intimacy, issues with sexual intimacy, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, a lack of communication skills, a need for perfectionism, oversensitivity, and clinginess, as well as feelings of powerless, worthlessness, isolation, and abandonment.

Healing The Dysfunction

The good news is you can use your adult perspective to overcome the feelings that are still lingering as a result of your dysfunctional family.

It might feel insurmountable, but it isn't. You have carried this pain with you into adulthood so, it might feel like you can never shake these emotions. But you can, the key is to get it right. Step one is to internalize the fact that your upbringing is not your fault. The second is to recognize that it is incredibly difficult to convince an adult to change their behavior or personality, especially if you are a child in the situation. You couldn't do anything to change the situation. You can't do much now to change their situation either. You are in charge of yourself only, don't get caught up in magical thinking imagining you can swoop in and solve the dysfunction your family may still be living in.

You have to forget about that or you will set yourself up for constant disappointment. That may mean you have to cut ties with the dysfunctional family member(s) who show no interest in changing their behavior. Otherwise, they will continue to drag you back to the feelings of helplessness you experienced in your childhood.

You are allowed to feel your feelings, all of them. But, after a lifetime of burying your emotions, it might take some time to get in touch with them. It might take longer to recognize their value. Start by taking notice of your big emotions and remind yourself that those emotions matter. You don't need someone to validate your emotions, there is no such thing as a good feeling or a bad feeling. The only time an emotion is bad is if you hold onto it for too long without expressing it or understanding it. Don't let shame limit you. Don't let your fear and sadness from your childhood haunt you and hold you back. Let your feelings exist.

The more in touch you get with your feelings, the better you can break down the shame, loneliness, and isolation your childhood brought you. It's also an important step in building a relationship – both learning how to trust people and learning how to make yourself vulnerable and open up. When you acknowledge the problems, you close the door to denial.

You can't get in a time machine and go back to the past to change your childhood. But that doesn't stop us from trying. The best way to exercise your personal power is to reconcile your present self with the past and vice versa. You can't fix the past, but you can work on the remnants of it that you carry with you to make your present the best it can be.